More Momma Time

There was a time when it was just me and Gracie and Sam and anyone who knows my husband knows he works ALL the time. There have been times when we wouldnt see him until 10 or 11 at night and he would be gone before we got up in the morning. Sam is a jack of all trades, when he is not working at the shop he is either on the dozer, driving a truck or working with the cows - he is just a busy man. Being the worker that he is it meant alot of time for me and Gracie to have just to ourselves.

She used to wake up on Saturdays and climb in bed with me and watch TV while I slept some more, we used to go to the park or go on walks (mostly me walking and her riding in the wagon being pulled by me), we used to go visiting whoever we wanted, Saturday nights would come and Sam would be at the race track running the pit area or driving the mud truck or race car, these nights I would pack up and go spend the night with my grandmother and let Gracie sleep with her bc It tickled my grandmother to have a bed partner.

Gracie and I did alot together, just the two of us. Then came Jake and that changed a little, we still went and did things, not as much though, we still had time for just me and her. I would let her go to the store with me and leave Jake with Sam if he was at home. I would take off work a little early and pick her up from school and go get ice cream or something. Just me and her time.

She is growing up so fast, hormones are slowly starting to take over (they happen a lot younger these days), she has friends to spend the night or go spend the night with, she finds things to do in her room that keep her occupied, she most of the time doesnt need me like she use to - breaks my heart sometimes, just the part of feeling like she is out growing me.

Now sassy has come along and again my time is now cut into. Sassy gets alot of my time bc of the fact of being a baby and babies are so demanding. Jake gets a good chunk of my time, bc he is a momma's boy and just wants to be with me, hanging on me all the time, especially when he realizes that it is bed time and to avoid going to be he does this little puppy dog face and makes you feel guilty bc I havent sat and held him all night (only works some of the time, not a big fan of the puppy dog face). Gracie usually gets what is left, tired old me, ready to go to bed, getting ready for the next day - me.

I feel guilty about that, being the oldest has perks, but being the oldest also has a not so good side. I want her to be a kid, i want her to enjoy being a kid, I want her to want me and love being with me. I want to be "THE MOM" of all moms.

Lately she has been acting out a little, I believe mostly for attention. We dont get very much momma and Gracie time anymore. With Jake, Sophie and my grandmother - somebody always is around. My grandmother thinks if I go somewhere she automatically has to go, leaving no time for just me and Gracie to go, whether it be to the shoe store, to walmart, or just to get ice cream. Love my grandmother to death, but sometimes I just need to be a mom by myself.

My grandmother coming to live with us has been a real adjustment, in alot of the ways it is great, she helps me out alot, I really dont know how I would have gotten through my pregnancy without her, bc she took such good care of me and my family when I was just to sick or to tired to do so, but also her being there all the time gets in the way sometimes of alone time with my kids.
Simple things like just watching a movie or cooking cookies. I would not change it in any way and would not want her to be anywhere else but with us, but it is an adjustment.

I need to work on more time with Gracie, just making time. We have been doing movie night on Friday's. I put Sophie down and send Jake to bed or either with his dad playing the WII or something, but we have missed the last 2 weeks bc things just come up, life happens.

I dont want to put her off, I dont want her to be the little girl who says her momma never had time, I want to be there for her, I want to listen to her stories, fix her hair, paint her nails, go buy shoes, sit and watch a movie, answer her questions, cook cookies with her, watch her and her friends, listen to her laugh, hold her when she is scared, watch her sleep, listen to her prayers, be patient when she gets made, praise her for a good grade, sit at sonic and eat ice cream, take the long way home so we can talk and know that every one of these things will someday mean something to her.

Just the other day, I brought this sweet little baby home. I carried for 9 months through the hottest summer ever, I cried the night she was born bc I knew that she would grow so fast and one day not need me, I watched her find her hands, I heard her first laugh, I taught her to walk, I kissed all her bobo's, I rocked her to sleep, I cried the first day of school, I put all that Santa clause stuff together, I played barbies, I put weeds in water bc they were the most beautiful flower I had ever seen, I cried the first night she stayed away from me, I missed her for a whole week when she left to go to Disney World and I couldnt go, I was so proud when she learned to swim and when she no longer wanted to sleep in my room on a palet - I got up every night for a week to go check on her. She is my baby, I love her. I love her more than life it self. All three kids are so precious to me, but Gracie is so much a deep part of me I can not explain. She is the promise of God, she is the beat of my heart, she is the smile on my face, she is the tears in my eyes she is everything of importance to me.

If I do nothing in this world before I die and go to heaven but be her  mom, then that will be all I need out of this life. She brings me joy, she brings me headaches (well worth the it) If I can be the mom that God would have me to be and know that when she is grown up and becomes a mom, that she will look back and know that she is my great reward on this earth. That she is so much a part of who I am and who I pray I will become. She has made my life so blessed.

So this day I will take my sweet girl and spend the afternoon with her and do what ever she desires. To let her know that she is still very much important, that i love her and I love my time with her. We will buy shoes, look at clothes and maybe get some ice cream (before supper).